So far so… good enough?

This week has been odd for me.  Knowing that T and I are both dating J and we’re apparently going to give this poly thing another go is strange in some ways.  In some ways, it’s a weird sort of relief.  Almost like everything is ok, and realistically, it seems ok right now.  T isn’t having panic attacks, J is happier and more relaxed about everything.  Boundaries are being maintained.

I have this odd thing though.  I’m great in a crisis or a high-stress situation.  Afterwards, I fall apart.  All the emotional responses I didn’t allow myself come swarming through and there’s no control to them because I’ve stopped guarding them so tightly.

This week, I think I’ve had every emotion I held back on just smack me around like a tether ball.  I’ve had this feeling of being positive that J was going to leave me, all over again.  That despite his assurance right in front of me and T that he wasn’t going to do that and that he didn’t want to lose me.  I’ve felt disconnected and forgotten, because J and I have managed to have one night together this week, and little contact outside that night.  On my way to his place, J let me know that he was going to go see T before I arrived.  By the time I got there I was in tears from the anxiety that was just tearing through me.  I was terrified that T wouldn’t let us have the night together, that she’d upset J and he wouldn’t be able to calm down enough to enjoy our time, that he would still be tense and nervous because he has been for a while when I was there.

The fears were pointless.  T just wanted to see him for a minute before I got there.  No worry, no problem.  J was not only relaxed, but amazingly affectionate, more than he has been in a long time.  Turned out all my fear was rooted in the past.  That isn’t totally unreasonable, except that I was the one making it hard to relax because once he told me everything was fine, I started feeling nauseous because my nerves let go.  Way to go, self.

J is coming over to see me tomorrow and staying the night.  He may be staying Sunday as well, but we haven’t nailed that down just yet.  He’s constantly telling me he wants much more time with me, that once a week is just not enough for him.  He also said that our plans to move in together later this summer are still on.  So all my fears about losing him seem pretty pointless, too.

I ended up posting a lot about this emotional upheaval on a poly forum I frequent and got some great advice.  The parts that stuck out most to me are summed up as:

– Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need, or to expect to be heard and have those needs met.
– Cut yourself some slack, but pay attention to your own mental processes.  The ones you’re in are formed in the past and will take you all back there.
– Find something else to do when you’re not with J.  Stop thinking about what he’s doing or whether he’s with T or not!

All in all, great advice, and a lot of understanding and supportiveness.  It helped and I got my head redirected.

I also talked to T.  Sunday I was around that neighborhood and she came out to meet me and we spent about two hours talking.  She told me she was terrified I’d think she was just biding time and waiting to “get her way” and take J away, but that wasn’t what she wanted to do at all.  She’s not positive that she can handle a poly relationship, but she’s trying again with that in mind.  It was a good talk, really.  It was a bit strained, which is to be expected I guess, after all that has happened.  The funny part of it was that as I was leaving I found out I had a flat tire.  I called T and she came back, took me to get a can of fix a flat (that tire was NOT coming off!)  Then she followed me home to be sure nothing went wrong on my way and we ended up hanging out at my place for another hour.  When I called her to ask her to come back and help me out, and when we were at my place, it was a much more natural interaction level, more like we used to be, and that was nice.  I haven’t heard from her since then, so I guess she’s been busy or something.  My first thought is “She doesn’t really want to talk to me.”  That’s a little silly though, I think.  I think that in reality we’re both kind of on edge right now and not wanting to step on one another’s toes.

So, it’s not “good” at this point, but it’s good enough.  We have a lot of distance to go for any of us to have it “good” again.  We’ve all been hurt and we’re all a bit guarded about the situation right now.  I think we’re all trying to do things differently this time, and we’re all taking advantage of not living together so we have time and space for ourselves.  To expect that everything will be “good” right this minute isn’t realistic.  I’ll take good enough, and everyone putting in effort to find stable ground with one another again.

On that note, maybe I need to invite T to hang out this weekend at some point, or just to meet up with me once a week to have coffee or something.  I don’t know that we’ll get back to being “best friends” again, but we can at least work on being comfortable around one another and achieving some sort of companionable level of interaction.  I’m the more outgoing in that respect, so rather than wait for her, I’ll drop the suggestion to her in the next few days and see what she says.

Restructuring

Yes, I know I promised a post weeks ago.  I just didn’t have it in me to make one.  So much has happened now, I’m not truly sure where to even begin.

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Today is the day.

My company picnic is today.  I’m excited and nervous.  Today is the day that T comes out of the closet about her relationship with J.

I read a comment recently where the person was speaking about coming out and said that "You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube once it’s out."  I hope she’s really ready to live with that.  J and I never wanted to be in the closet.  T wasn’t ready to be open.  She was very concerned about how others would see her.  

I am nervous though, with the recent rash of how she’s been cutting people out.  She did it again last night, to me and to my daughter, separately.  J had brought out some pictures, and it turned out that I hadn’t seen most of them before.  He tried to share them with me as well, and kept telling her to stop holding them, to pass them down so I could see them.  She just ignored him and ignored me and kept the pictures to herself.  The more he told her to not exclude me, the more she tilted them away so I couldn’t even look over to see them.  I eventually gave up and just left them to it.  J told me this morning that he was really unhappy about her doing that.  Also, when my daughter tried to talk to J, T apparently kept talking over her until my daughter gave up and went to sit out on the porch.  She was pretty hurt by that experience.  J was again, displeased and did try to include my daughter, but failed to get T to stop the behavior.  If T starts that behavior today, we’ll be leaving the picnic.  I just don’t want my co-workers seeing such immature behavior out of my household.  If it happens, the conversation I’m planning for after my daughter’s visit won’t be waiting.

On good fronts, J and I are really feeling the renewal of our relationship now.  Every moment together is punctuated with "I love you" and with statements of how much we missed one another and how happy we are to be able to see the connection between us again.  He has admitted, he doesn’t know where things are going with T, for him.  It makes him nervous and unhappy, but at the same time, he’s very happy that he and I can recover from our problems so quickly and easily.  As I told him last night, we’ve gone years without talking, and all it takes is a little time to talk and everything rebuilds and recovers for us.  What is between us, simply is, and doesn’t seem to care much whether we acknowledge it or whether other like it or not.  He responded with the easiest and happiest smile I’ve seen on his face in months. 

So, here’s hoping and crossing fingers for a good day, and bracing for having to stand up and make a discreet exit.  Today will be a real telling day, either way.

Chaos, Uncertainty, and Mixed Signals

Things have been a bit of a wild ride this past several days.  In fact, it’s been rough for over a week now.  There are things happening that are at least good for me, and I’m hoping that they’ll eventually turn around and be good for all of us.

Long story

Good Things Happen, Too

As I was re-reading the last entry I realized that I’ve spent perhaps an undue amount of time speaking about the difficulties of a fledgling poly household.  There are benefits to having a poly household.  For starters, I don’t have to listen to music that J loves and I don’t like.  T likes that music though, so it gives them something to share and spares me for the most part!  (That’s meant to be funny, it’s ok to laugh.)

This past week has been perhaps our best yet.  There has been peace, for the most part, between us all.  It’s a grand thing to experience.

I think my favorite was last night when J took a nap and T stretched out on one side of him and read a book while I stretched out on the other side and napped with J.  It was just that comfortable and relaxed.  I really enjoyed having both of them there and the simple peace of us all being together and being content together.

Tonight though, T made my heart just swell right up.  She mentioned that the odds were against the three of us having met, and against us being together, and yet, here we are.  I hadn’t really recognized it in that way.  I knew that the odds were against me and J being together.  I always knew that.  We lived half a continent apart from one another when we met.  I hadn’t really let it sink in that not only were J and I together, but we’d found a wonderful match for us in T, and not only were we in the same state, or even in the same town, but I was in the same home with her when we found her.  Sometimes, I do get a sense of destiny about all this, and I think it made me very happy to realize that I’m not the only one who understands how exceptional this entire adventure is.

I do have a lot of very high hopes for all of us, and for our future as a triad.  We even had a nice reminder last weekend about how well things work out for us when we all focus ourselves on achieving one common goal.  Things don’t move more easily when we do that, they simply open up and flow forward in the direction that we need them to.

I’ve been doing some reading lately from a book about shamanic practitioners from around the world.  Every one of them credits their loved ones with making it possible for them to work.  Their loved ones give them faith and strength to keep going when it seems like the tasks are just too much.  Being a shamanic practitioner myself, I understand the loneliness that comes from that working.  Yet, I find less and less loneliness and more and more understanding and encouragement from T and J.  I asked the gods early this year for a partner, someone who could withstand the trials I must face without interrupting them, but who could be at my side.  I even asked specifically for J, if it were possible and good for us.  The answer I was given was "Done and done."  I couldn’t understand why it was said twice, but now, I find myself wanting to go back and ask again if the answer was not for one partner, but for two.

I do know that while I was with an ex, he was saying that he sensed another woman to join with us, to be in a triad with us.  I also sensed her, and knew her hair type and color, that she would be recently separated and divorcing, and I even pointed in the direction in which she lived.  He and I thought it meant she was somewhere nearby, in a smaller, outlying town.  As it turns out, she was about 1000 miles away, and had no more idea that this was coming for her life than I did when we met.  How odd that he sensed my future though.

Whatever this is, whether divinely determined destiny, a freak chance, or a wonderful example of synchronicity, I am glad for both T and J and for all that they each bring into my life.  I hope, more than I think I’m ready to really admit, that this never ends for us.

When you’re the speedbump.

Being the speed bump is a position I wish no one ever had to be in.  In poly relationships, it seems that everyone will be the speed bump at some point.  There will be something happening that leaves you in the position of stopping everything and saying, "This isn’t working for me."  It happened to be me that was the speed bump this week.  I didn’t like it at all, but I think we managed to resolve things rather easily.

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Coming Out

We had a couple of J’s friends over for dinner last night to meet T.  All in all, it went very well.  I was happy to be able to introduce T as a part of our family, and even happier that his friends accepted her so readily.  There are other friends for her to meet, and we have talked of doing this, but all things in time I suppose. Overall, it was a very good evening, though I think it might have gone a bit late as we all promptly went to bed once our guests had left.

I spent the majority of the weekend just overcome with compersion.  No real jealousy at all, no feelings of being excluded or overlooked, just a simple happiness at seeing T and J together.  The feeling of being a family, of being at peace with my family, went a long way to help that I’m sure.  We’ve had some upheavals in the past week and were all feeling unsettled for the majority of it.  It was really nice to be able to see T and J snuggled up on the couch and just smile at them and be happy that they were looking so happy together.

T was supposed to be taking a trip in a couple of weeks but her plans seem to have fallen through.  So, given that she has the time off saved up, I’ve invited her to join J and I on a trip to see my family at Christmas.  My son will be home after having graduated AIT and I want to be there to see him.  I am really hoping she’ll come with us.  I don’t like the idea of leaving her behind during the holidays, for one thing, and for another, I want her to be able to meet my family and friends.  As most of them live in another state, it would require all of us to take a trip to visit them for this to happen.

I wish that this world were different than it is.  I wish that she and J could be together openly, whether I’m with them or not.  If not for the potential legal issues, I would be willing to start a campaign to bring government and social recognition to all polyamorous families.  I don’t understand why it is that if I see T as an equal partner in this household, the rest of the world can’t grant her the same standing.  It troubles me, often.