My company picnic is today. I’m excited and nervous. Today is the day that T comes out of the closet about her relationship with J.
I read a comment recently where the person was speaking about coming out and said that "You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube once it’s out." I hope she’s really ready to live with that. J and I never wanted to be in the closet. T wasn’t ready to be open. She was very concerned about how others would see her.
I am nervous though, with the recent rash of how she’s been cutting people out. She did it again last night, to me and to my daughter, separately. J had brought out some pictures, and it turned out that I hadn’t seen most of them before. He tried to share them with me as well, and kept telling her to stop holding them, to pass them down so I could see them. She just ignored him and ignored me and kept the pictures to herself. The more he told her to not exclude me, the more she tilted them away so I couldn’t even look over to see them. I eventually gave up and just left them to it. J told me this morning that he was really unhappy about her doing that. Also, when my daughter tried to talk to J, T apparently kept talking over her until my daughter gave up and went to sit out on the porch. She was pretty hurt by that experience. J was again, displeased and did try to include my daughter, but failed to get T to stop the behavior. If T starts that behavior today, we’ll be leaving the picnic. I just don’t want my co-workers seeing such immature behavior out of my household. If it happens, the conversation I’m planning for after my daughter’s visit won’t be waiting.
On good fronts, J and I are really feeling the renewal of our relationship now. Every moment together is punctuated with "I love you" and with statements of how much we missed one another and how happy we are to be able to see the connection between us again. He has admitted, he doesn’t know where things are going with T, for him. It makes him nervous and unhappy, but at the same time, he’s very happy that he and I can recover from our problems so quickly and easily. As I told him last night, we’ve gone years without talking, and all it takes is a little time to talk and everything rebuilds and recovers for us. What is between us, simply is, and doesn’t seem to care much whether we acknowledge it or whether other like it or not. He responded with the easiest and happiest smile I’ve seen on his face in months.
So, here’s hoping and crossing fingers for a good day, and bracing for having to stand up and make a discreet exit. Today will be a real telling day, either way.