So, J and I got back together. We spent Valentine’s Day together. That was interesting, what with T calling non-stop and J leaving at one point in the middle of dinner to go out to tell her that he was through with her. That was really interesting as he’d told me they broke up before we got back together. Yeah, he lied. turned out, he lied, a lot.
It’s been a really bizarre couple of weeks. There have been emails between me and T. There have been fights on every front. There was basically a bomb going off and we were all getting nuked.
I emailed and asked T and J to meet with me today, at my place. I said that we needed to all talk.
J didn’t like that at all. In short, he’s been a real ass this last week. He woke up with me this morning, apologizing. We talked and finally he heard how afraid I’ve been, how hurt, how feeling left behind, and so on. I’d told him, but this time he heard.
The talk happened this afternoon. What a mess that was, sorting through. However, once it was done, we all felt better. Initially, T said that she had realized she was monogamous, and wasn’t willing to do anything but be friends with me and J anymore. I did suggest that we all hold off on making any decisions about anything right now, take a little time to think, because J had said that he wasn’t sure what he was thinking or feeling. T just wasn’t game to consider trying though. Given that it looked like things were over for the two of them, I gave them a few minutes to talk alone. Then J came out and asked me to rejoin them. When I did, T asked me what I’d meant when we were talking and I asked if she was sure she wasn’t poly, or if it was the situation, and what did I think it would look like if she and J and me and J were dating still.
We talked a little more, set up some ground rules, based on the past failures, threatened J with death, destruction and dismemberment if he doesn’t get on that learning curve like it’s the most important thing in the world, and we even talked about being aware of RRE (renewed relationship energy/make-up energy) and not hurting or leaving anyone out because of it. The biggest thing, I think, was that T and I agreed, no more venting about J to one another, ever, and J agreed no more venting to either of us about the other. Problems stay in the relationship that’s having them and the other person comes in to mediate ONLY if both parties ask it. Also, no one says anything to create a restriction on the other relationships. This is a trial period, it needs to be free to form or not. One of the things that came out during the conversation is that J isn’t really sure what he wants right now.
So, they’ve gone home now, and J is coming back to see me tomorrow. I’ve set them up to read Polyamory: A Roadmap for the Clueless and Hopeful, as first assignment. And we are all supposed to talk about it as it’s read. I’ve read the book. I hope they can get through it given my tendency to make notes in certain types of books.
We’ll see what happens. This is certainly a better place than we’ve been since before all this started last year. Right now, it’s clean. Everything is in the open. We each know where each other is, and isn’t. We have our ground rules. We have our boundaries. It could be just as bad as last time. It could still mean an end to both mine and T’s relationships with J. It could mean, for me, that J will decide he’s monogamous and wants to be with T. Whatever it means, we’re going to try to get there while keeping things clean, so that whatever comes out of it, we can get through it with a minimum of hurt. It’s a good place to be after the turmoil of the past year.
For an amusement point, when J and T were leaving, we did the group hug thing. J dropped his head down and went straight for buring his face in our chests. It made she and I laugh… a lot.
So help me though, once they left, all I could think was, “Dear gods, I can’t make this shit up!”