Today started off oddly. For starters, I was up before dawn. Then we didn’t go to church. Ok, off to get breakfast and then J was going to take some time alone. He hasn’t been doing this, so it was no biggie for me to understand that he needed that time. Then we were going to take a hike and then off to the picnic.
The way it went instead, I had to tell J that he was going to take time for himself instead of putting his needs on the back burner again, then T ended up talking with me, and then J came out and joined us and we ended up having a very impromptu family meeting. T and J got to talk about a few things that weren’t quite meshing up in their relationship, and then J and I talked as well. Somehow I ended up bursting into tears, but at least it was brought out.
In the end, T and J both agreed to scheduling a week at a time so that we all get to do the things we wanted to do. We don’t have a schedule yet, but we will be making one for the coming week very soon. I’m hoping that it does everything it has done in the past and we can all start feeling better soon.
Then T and I talked for a while, just girls talking, while J went to take his own time and the conversation turned to far lighter things and rapidly disintegrated into she and I making absolutely outrageous jokes at one another. That lifted my spirits a great deal. Then we all snuggled up for a few minutes before heading off to the picnic.
The picnic was lots of fun. Our poly friends had just taken a vacation and had pictures to show, and we all talked a bit about this and that. It was, all in all relaxing. Well, aside from the part where I saw a snake in the rafters of our picnic shelter and someone went to take a picture of it just as it literally jumped after a mouse and we all scrambled for safety on the benches not knowing what kind of snake it was or if it was poisonous or not. Said mouse ran for its life and escaped. Said snake made his way angrily across the picnic shelter and into the brush around us. We all had a good laugh, but we kept some watchful eyes on the rafters after that.
Now, T and J are studying for the GRE together and I’m staying quietly out of the way. I am tired after being up so early today. I do have some things on my mind, but I’m trying to just let those things sort themselves out with time. In short, my relationship with J took some nasty hits getting all this started, and I’m still not feeling settled. *deep breath* It has only been one month. Patience and time. *deep breath* Such easy advice and so hard to give to yourself, isn’t it?
I realized today that I’m actually very nervous about T and J going forward to grad school. Will they still want me around if I can’t keep up with them in the academic field? What about the things I want to do, things J promised me I would get to do, but now, I don’t know if those promises still hold. I am, in short, afraid of being left behind with my own dreams unfulfilled.
Are those fears based in reality? I don’t know. I know that today, despite such a good day, I am feeling very uncertain and afraid. I wish I didn’t, but, there it is. I wish I knew how to talk about these things with them clearly.