So, tonight when we all got home, J had promised me 15 minutes of snuggle time. We went to my room, stretched out on the bed and just sort of lay together being happy and talking about silly useless stuff. As I got up and started moving around, T came in. Somehow we ended up with all 3 of us snuggled up on the bed together. This isn’t the most unusual thing for us. We’ve been known to stretch out and each of us girls will have one of J’s arms around us. We have movies together this way sometimes, and sometimes just go for the comfort of being together.
Then things took a turn for something new. We got a little more than cuddly. Then we got more than that. Then we got … well, you get the idea. It was absolutely amazing. Honestly, at one point, I just lay against J’s chest and watched him kissing T and was amazed at how comfortable we all were being, at how beautiful their love was, and at how much I love them both. Things went beautifully for a while, and then I started to feel left out. J wasn’t reaching for me, he and T seemed lost in their own world and I felt somehow extraneous. I offered to leave, twice, and they both told me to stay. Finally though, the emotions were just too high, desperation and pain started to settle in. I made my excuses and left.
I called a poly friend who was able to give me the understanding I needed, and I started to regroup. When I went back in, T was up and about and J was out cold on the bed. I went to J, expressing that I had felt left out, and that I was afraid I would lose him. As he held me, T came to the door. "E, can I come in?" she asked.
"Yeah, it’s fine," I replied.
She came to me and put an arm around my shoulder, hugging me. "Are you ok?" she asked. I shrugged and she asked again.
We ended up talking briefly about how things had turned too one-sided for comfort and then T made my jaw drop to the floor. She said, rather seriously, but with a grin, "I guess we’ll just have to do better next time." OMG… next time? Really!?
I finally gave in to the remaining sadness and hurting feelings and asked if they would both be willing to snuggle me for a little while. J moved over, I curled up against him, T snuggled in against me, and we just lay there for a while, once again comfortable, at ease, and happy to be together. Snuggling is good for me. Snuggling makes me feel super content. I didn’t want to get up, but as we hadn’t yet mastered the art of deciding dinner tonight, T and I finally woke up and went out for food.
Still, that contentment is with me. Still the surprise of it all. Still the desire to see "next time" and to have everyone feeling included enough that we can all stay through to the end.
Yeah, this is one of those times that makes dealing with the loneliness of earlier much easier to handle. Oh, and yes, T said she’s fine with me coming to her door at any time I need to, so in the future, I’ll just do that instead of trying to get out the door while feeling sad and displaced.