It’s not always smiles.

J spent the night with T last night.  This was nothing surprising, and honestly, when they went to bed, I was just fine.  Bored and a little lonely for someone to talk to, but not unhappy.  We’d had a good evening together before they went off to have their time together, and everything was fine.

I woke up this morning so unhappy and so lonely that I had to tell myself to stop thinking about moving out, stop thinking about leaving.

It was the most irrational fear, in that it had no real basis for existing, but there it was; the "I’m losing him" fear.  Making it even more irrational, after T had realized that she and J had fallen asleep and he hadn’t come back out to give me his usual "goodnights," she got out of bed, came and got me and had me go tell him goodnight anyway.  See, nothing at all to say that I’m losing J or that I am not wanted.  Yet, that was how I felt when I woke up.

I do realize that this is a pattern with me.  I’m not sure why, aside from the possibility that I’m still adjusting to not waking up next to J every morning.  Mornings after a night alone though, they just tend to leave me feeling like I’m completely isolated and lost.  J had already seen this in me, I’m sure, and has told me to simply go into T’s room and wake him in the mornings.  I’m not truly comfortable with doing that.  For starters, I’m up before dawn.  T doesn’t have to wake up for work until about the time I arrive at my office.  Also, if J stays up late with T and then has to get up at that ungodly hour with me, he gets sleep deprived.  J, short on sleep, is no fun for anyone.  He sort of withers up.  Mostly though, I feel like I’m invading, to just walk into her room uninvited like that.  However, I think tonight I may have to ask her if she’d be ok with me doing that for a while.  Clearly, I need something on those mornings, some level of human contact that lets me know I’m not as alone as I keep feeling.  If it really is just the adapting to him not being with me nightly, then the need for that will fade with time.

We have a lot of little "exceptions" between us already.  The biggest one that developed was, if two of us are having time alone, and the "odd-one-out" starts to have too difficult a time with being alone, they are expected (not able, but expected) to reach out to the two.  We’ve only had to use that a couple of times, once for me, and once for T, but it’s a huge comfort to know that we can just say "I’m sorry, I can’t cope right now and I need you guys" and not fear guilt or being turned away.  Mostly, just knowing that will turn aside feelings that could otherwise become overwhelming.

So, perhaps T will be willing to tell me that it’s ok with her for me to come in when I’m feeling that way in the mornings.  It would really help to not have to feel like I’m utterly alone when I’m trying to get to work.

Anyway, polyamory isn’t all smiles, folks.  Sometimes it’s miserable, because you have to own the emotions you’re feeling and not put them off on anyone else.  Feeling that lonely, admitting that no one did anything to make me feel that lonely, and facing it down alone… that bites.

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